Absolute Madness
by Ruthie
Summary: Among other stupid events, fluffy pink gnomes run amok at the SGC, and there is a tense standoff between Major Davis and Maybourne - one of them is armed!


Title: A Tale of 2 Harrys, a Chicken, IQs, Fluffy Pink Gnomes and a Nail Gun

Rating: PG-15

Summary: It's mad. Response to Heliopolis challenge #1,688

Spoilers: Very tiny weeny ones for Enigma and Between Two Fires 

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me, they belong to the lovely people at MGM, Showtime, Gekko Film Corporation and the wonderful Brad Wright.

~A Tale of 2 Harrys, a Chicken, IQs Fluffy Pink Gnomes and a Nail Gun~

By Ruth 

**********

****

Challenge #1,688

1. Daniel must lose his shirt at least twice.  
2. Jack must befriend a lost chicken.  
3. Janet and Sam have to compare I.Q's.  
4. Siler and Harriman teach Teal'c to use a chat room.  
5. Davis must shoot Maybourne with a nail gun!

**********

It was a Thursday morning when Jack O'Neill awoke to find himself in his small, crappy SGC room. He sat up in his bed, naked from the waist up. All he could think about was having a shower and some breakfast. Unfortunately, he knew that greasy-assed Colonel Maybourne would be joining them that day for his usual prying, to see if there were any refugees he could steal, like the Tollan. No, they were dead. Jack rubbed his head - it was too early for him to be thinking about these things. 

As he was walking down to the commissary, he heard a woeful clucking noise. He shook his head, thinking that it must have been his imagination, but as he neared the men's locker room the clucking got louder. With a frown, he pushed open the door and, to his greatest surprise, he saw a chicken standing there on the floor, looking incredibly depressed. Man and chicken eyed each other for many minutes, until Jack broke the staring competition. 

"So…. Buddy…you wanna come have breakfast with me?" 

The chicken nodded. Jack smiled. 

"Ok! Now you're my kind of chicken!" 

The two of them walked hand in wing, to the commissary. Jack wondered why he was getting strange looks from several young lieutenants. 

"For crying out loud, can't I even have breakfast with a chicken any more?" he shouted. 

The people in the commissary immediately looked down at their plates, not wanting to make eye contact with the unusually strange Colonel O'Neill and his new friend. 

Jack got a tray, and began to reach for one for the chicken, but thought better. 

"I'll carry your stuff for yea, buddy," he said. The chicken cocked its head in acknowledgement as Jack lifted him up onto the counter for a better look at the food. 

"Uh…sir…you can't put that animal on the counter…" stammered one of the chefs. 

Jack stared at him. "For one thing, buddy, this is a bird and his name is…." 

Jack stopped. He had no idea what the chicken's name was. 

"His name is Lawrence." 

The chicken squawked angrily. 

"Ok, not Lawrence, but he does have a name! And I will find it!" Jack narrowed his eyes at the chef who hurriedly served them and then ran off crying. 

"I'm sorry, but I just won't stand for discrimination!" said Jack. 

The chicken nodded thoughtfully. 

**********

Daniel awoke and yawned loudly. He then remembered that he had a lot of artefacts that needed to be catalogued that day, so he jumped up and ran out of the door. While he was walking down to his lab, he began to get strange looks from passing officers, and a few of the lieutenants began to giggle. Then, General Hammond walked down the corridor towards him. He also looked shocked. 

"Sir, why does everyone keep looking at me like I'm…." 

"Dr Jackson, where is your shirt?" asked General Hammond angrily. 

Daniel looked down at himself and blushed in embarrassment. "General, I put it on before I fell asleep and now it's gone - I swear I was wearing a shirt!" 

"Dr Jackson, I don't care if fluffy pink gnomes stole your shirt and ate it, go and put another one on NOW!" 

"Yes sir," said Daniel, and ran back down the corridor to his room. 

General Hammond shook his head. "Young men these days," he grumbled, and went in search of Doctor Frasier and Major Carter. 

**********

"Well, last time I checked it was 200." Janet flicked a piece of hair behind her ear and smirked at Sam. "Beat that!" 

Sam grinned. "220"

Janet's mouth fell open. "No!" 

Sam nodded. "How often do you check?" 

"Often enough!" Janet glared at her friend. "I have a lot of chemistry and biology to do in my work!" She folded her arms and pouted. 

"I have advanced wormhole physics!" said Sam, sticking her tongue out at Janet. 

Janet frowned. "I hate you!" 

Sam giggled. "Awww….can't bear that I'm cleverer than you Janet?" 

Janet screamed at Sam to shut up. Sam kept goading her, and eventually Janet slapped her. Sam wailed and hit her back. They were soon involved in a furious bitch fight with nails and hair flying everywhere, screeching and wailing. 

General Hammond walked in and to his horror, he saw Doctor Janet Fraiser and Major Samantha Carter rolling around on the floor fighting and crying. 

"Ladies, please!" he said, "I am trying to run a serious establishment here! Now, what seems to be the problem?" 

The two of them stopped fighting. 

Janet's lower lip trembled and Sam glared at her. "Nothing, General." 

"Nothing, General," Sam echoed. 

"Good. Now, can I leave you to get on with your work sensibly?" 

"Yes general," they said in unison. 

"Good," he said, and left them. 

Janet sniffed and stood up, brushing some dust off of her coat. Sam also stood up, smoothing some of the creases out of her uniform. The two of them looked at each other uncomfortably for a moment, then Janet piped up, 

"Coffee and chocolate?" 

Sam nodded happily. "I'm sorry, Jan!" 

"I'm sorry too, Sam!" 

They hugged, and sat down while the coffees were being made. 

"Now, did you see Lieutenant Jameson giving you the eye the other day…….?" 

**********

Daniel put his shirt back on slowly, not understanding how his previous one could have gone missing. He thought carefully - had he actually been wearing one? Yes! Yes, he had, because he'd spilt coffee down it. Now, where the hell had it gone? He needed to find Jack, or better still, Sam. 

**********

"Eddie?" 

The chicken shook its head. 

"Frank?" 

The chicken shook its head. 

"Bernie?" 

The chicken shook its head so violently that Jack thought it was going to come off. 

"What is your name, then?" he asked. 

"Ha-ree!" the chicken squawked. 

"Harry?" asked Jack. 

The chicken nodded. 

"Harry it is then." He looked up to see Daniel, and asked in surprise, "Daniel, why aren't you wearing a shirt?" 

"AAAGGGHHHH!" Daniel yelled. "Where do my shirts keep going?" 

Jack shook his head. "Have you seen Daniel's shirt, Harry?" 

"No, I can't say as I have," came an amused voice from behind him. 

Jack spun around to see Colonel Maybourne. 

"Not YOU!" he said angrily, "The chicken! His name is Harry and he's my new best friend!" 

Daniel pouted. "What about me?" 

"You can be my second best friend." 

Daniel stamped his foot. "I don't want to be your second best friend, I want to be your BEST friend!" 

He began to cry and ran off in search of his shirt. 

**********

Teal'c sat staring at the computer screen, an annoyed look on his face. He moved the mouse to click on an icon, and hurled it against the wall with an annoyed yell as it failed to do as he wanted. 

No sooner had he done this than Sergeant Siler and Harriman entered. 

"Hey, Teal'c," said Siler. "What's the problem?" 

"I cannot get this talk lobby to function properly." 

"Talk lo…..you mean a chat room?" asked Harriman. 

"Indeed." 

"Oh, it's easy," said Siler, pulling up a chair and picking up the mouse. "C'mon, we'll show you." 

"Thank you, Sergeant Siler." 

"No problem. Now, what do you want your screen name to be?"

"Screen name?" asked Teal'c. 

"It's what the other people you're trying to talk to will be able to see, something like Cookie," said Harriman. 

Teal'c frowned. "My name is not cookie." 

Siler sighed. "Yes, we know that Teal'c, but you can have any name you like." 

"Why would I want to change the name I was given at birth?" Teal'c asked, totally serious. 

"It's only temporary," Siler assured him. 

Teal'c thought for a moment. "T-Cookie," he said finally. 

"T-Cookie?" asked Harriman. 

"If it's the name he wants, he can have it!" said Siler to Harriman in a warning tone of voice. 

"Right, now we're ready to get talking," said Harriman. 

Teal'c looked blankly at the screen in front of him. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MUNCHKIN---- Hi peeps! Who's on the board today? 

TONI--- Looks like we have a newbie, peeps! 

SHELL---- T-Cookie? You gonna talk to us? 

T-COOKIE--- Indeed I am, Shell. 

MUNCHKIN--- How come you haven't been here before? 

T-COOKIE--- I am not from this world. 

SHELL--- Nah, man, none of us are! 

T-COOKIE ---That is most interesting. 

TONI--- You got any friends with you, T-Cookie? 

T-COOKIE--- Indeed I have, Toni, their names are………

SHELL--- T? 

T-COOKIE--- Spud and Elvis. 

MUNCHKIN--- J 

SHELL--- Ha! 

TONI--- Spud and Elvis? Hell, welcome to the room! 

T-COOKIE--- Indeed. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jack groaned as Daniel ran off crying down the corridor. Now he was left with Harry the chicken and Harry the greasy-assed snake from the NID. 

"How's your new friend doing?" asked Maybourne, attempting to remove the chicken from the seat in which he intended to sit, but failing. The chicken glared at him. 

"He was just fine until you came along," said Jack stroppily. 

"Jack," said Maybourne with a wry smile, "It's a chicken!" 

"He still has rights!" Jack shouted angrily, picking up Harry (the chicken) and walking out of the commissary. 

Harry (the greasy-assed NID Colonel) saw one of the Majors looking at him. 

"What the hell are you staring at, Davis?" he asked. 

"Nothing much!" the young man replied, and went in search of Major Carter. 

**********

Sam sat in her lab after her fight, followed by coffee and chocolate with Janet. There was a knock on the door. 

"Come in," she said. 

Daniel walked in forlornly. Sam frowned. 

"Daniel, where is your shirt?" 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Daniel screamed. 

**********

Jack put Harry (the chicken) down on his bed and sat down on a chair, throwing a piece of scrunched-up paper against the wall. 

Just then, there was a knock at his door. Before he had a chance to say come in, a very distressed and shirtless Daniel burst into his room and started to cry. 

"Daniel, where is…" 

"THEY KEEP TAKING MY SHIRTS JACK! I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME ITS HAPPENED TODAY! IT'S DRIVING ME MAAAAAAAADDDDD!" 

"Okay, Danny, calm down. You can borrow one of mine. 

"Can I Jack? Oh, thank you!" 

**********

T-COOKIE--- Is that all you are wearing, Shell? 

SHELL--- Yeah. Want me to take it off? 

T-COOKIE--- That is most unwise, Shell. 

SHELL--- Aw, come on, T! There's no one else here! 

T-COOKIE--- I still believe that it would be the wrong course of action. 

SHELL--- Why? You married or something? 

T-COOKIE--- If you remove the small garment you are wearing, Shell, you will almost certainly freeze to death. 

SHELL--- WHAT?? 

T-COOKIE--- I believe that it is time to terminate my stay here. Thank you, Shell, for adding to my experience. 

SHELL--- You bastard! 

SHELL HAS LEFT THE CHAT ROOM 

T-COOKIE HAS LEFT THE CHAT ROOM 

**********

Sam was walking down the corridor when she was suddenly pulled into the control room with a hand covering her mouth. She kicked at her assailant but he or she was strong and wouldn't let her go. 

Somehow, she managed to free the hand from her mouth and screamed "HHEEEEELLLLLLPPPPP!" 

From far away, (actually, it was only two metres, but you get the idea) Major Davis heard her distressed cry. 

He ran into the control room and saw Colonel Maybourne standing with a gun at Sam's head, forcing her to initiate the gate dialling sequence. He also saw that there was a nasty cut on her face. 

"Hold it right there, you bastard!" Davis yelled, picking up the weapon nearest to his hand without looking at it. 

Maybourne laughed. "You're going to shoot me with a nail gun, Davis? You come one step closer and your pretty Samantha gets this in her head." 

To prove his point, Maybourne snapped the safety off of his gun and pointed it at Sam's head. Luckily, one of the technicians had set off an alarm to warn General Hammond that there was a hostage situation in progress. 

**********

Jack sat up in his room as he heard the klaxon go off. 

"Attention! A hostage situation is currently in progress in the control room! Please stay clear of the area until these people have finished their business!" 

Jack frowned. That didn't sound like an ordinary announcement. It wouldn't have been so flippant normally. 

Harry (the chicken) was getting very distressed. 

"G-oo!" he squawked. 

"S-aaam. Truuuuu-ble" 

"Sam's in trouble?" asked Jack. "Oh no! C'mon, Harry (the chicken) we've got to help her!" 

"Attention! A hostage situation is currently in progress in the control room! Please stay clear of the area until these people have finished their business!"

There was that stupid announcement again. Jack wanted to know what the hell was going on. 

**********

Daniel had heard the announcement and was running down the corridor when he heard some small footsteps behind him. He turned around and, in horror, he saw no less than twenty pink furry gnomes advancing towards him. 

"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!" Daniel screamed, clutching hold of his (well, actually, Jack's) shirt. 

"Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt," the gnomes chanted. 

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO! What do you want with my shirts?" Daniel asked in despair. 

"Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt!" 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" 

**********

Harry (the chicken) and Jack burst into the control room in the midst of the hostage situation. It was a tense moment. Major Davis was pointing his nail gun at Harry (the greasy-assed NID Colonel) and Harry (the greasy-assed NID Colonel) was pointing a gun at Major Carter. 

"I'll do it!" said Major Davis, aiming the nail gun higher. 

Harry (the chicken) then decided that enough was enough. Taking a running fly, he leapt in front of Harry (the greasy-assed NID Colonel) just as Major Davis was about to fire the nail gun. 

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!" The chicken squawked in slow motion. 

"Harry (the chicken) - NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Jack. 

Fortunately, the nail missed Harry (the chicken) and hit Harry (the greasy-assed NID Colonel) in his hip. 

"You bastard!" Harry (the greasy-assed NID Colonel) shouted, and pulled Sam closer to him. "Now she dies!" 

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" Major Davis shouted, running at Maybourne and knocking Sam out of his grip and into Jack's arms. 

Major Davis and Harry (the greasy-assed NID Colonel) then proceeded to roll about on the floor having a furious fistfight, while Janet tended to Harry (the chicken.) 

Major Davis was finally able to disarm Maybourne, who then ran off crying. Major Davis was able to shoot him in the butt before he got away. 

It was at that point that the again shirtless Daniel ran into the control room and began screaming hysterically: 

"THE GNOMES! THE GNOMES! THEY'RE HERE FOR OUR SHIRTS!" 

"What?" everyone asked, but then they heard the pattering of tiny feet (and I don't mean children) 

"Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt! Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt.Shirt!" The gnomes chanted, wearing their fluffy pink tutus. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Everyone in the control room screamed. 

**********

A week later, everything at the SGC was back to normal. It had been discovered that a chemical brought back by SG-7 had infected the entire SGC, which is why everything had been so screwed up. 

Jack sighed with relief as he sat down at the briefing room table. There was no annoying chicken following him around. Daniel was wearing his shirt, Sam and Janet were no longer bickering over IQs and Teal'c had been weaned off the chat rooms. General Hammond was satisfied that everything was normal again and that the chemical spill had been cleaned up. He had informed the president that there was no longer anything to worry about. 

**********

Major Davis put away the nail gun and sighed deeply. It was the end of a very long day and he was looking forwards to going home and putting his feet up, when suddenly he heard a small clucking noise. 

He turned on his heels to find a small chicken staring up at him. 

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" 

THE END

Author's Note: Tell me what you think! I know it's mad, but feedback is greatly appreciated at samcarterusaf@yahoo.co.uk 

Thanks for reading, please come again! 

Ruthie xxx


End file.
